Friday, March 26th, 2004
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2:08 pm
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Monday, March 15th, 2004
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7:24 pm - Let it fall
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This has been a real bitch to me and needs a lot of work I guess but it was fuelled by vitriol so I felt it ought to be preserved in its original incarnation. And so I thought I would put it here rather than my real journal as these "pages" have been bare of late.
Call me up today and "we are still friends"
But I know this position
And it's not one from which to make amends
So we live on now and our new acquisitions
Because the past could see you crucified
Expected to believe you care
When you were never one to stay.
But you wanted to be there
And hold my hand on that Perfect Day
Were you expecting me to be grateful?
And I have your blood
But it's not enough
And it was never enough
When you don't know how to love
So, in everything I sing and do
Fuck you
Now the truth slowly unfurls
Said you wanted a family
Said I was your beautiful girl
But always too damn busy to see
Just what that girl could be
You see your mark left on me
And I cannot escape though I have tried
But know how I'd like to cut away the memory
And I hope you never feel proud and justified
Cuz my success is none of your business
(When I look at you and see only pathetic weakness)
Call me up today and I not your friend
It's too late for us to share
And I will never be your friend
It's too late to claim you ever cared
You've been cheating and lying far too long
Now it ends
And I have your blood
But it's not enough
And it was never enough
When you dont know how to love
So in everything...
Leave now, I don't need you
Leave now, I think I hate you.
current mood: angry
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, February 5th, 2004
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4:33 pm
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This is a work in progress. It's for a competition with the theme "religion".
Do I trust myself to touch you
& not leave a stain?
To breathe my life through yours
& not share my taint?
I am cynical now & old
My sparkle is cheap - you should be told.
Can you wear your purity inside of me?
Can I borrow it just to feel clean?
For the thirst and the yearning I give worship
For the entanglement I get down on my knees.
I whisper incantations from this holy ground
Claw a frenzied beat from your sacred heart
& as my rain bleeds on your skin and sin
We will overthrow the sky,
We will make a fucking religion.
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
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2:16 pm - Underestimate
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I wish I were a surgeon
So I could cut out all your fear
And replace it with hope and rage
You've been brave for so long
You deserve the peace of fearlessness
I wish I were deemed enough
To lie beside you in the dark
And give you all the strength
That I have had so long
You deserve the hours of weakness
I wish that you could see
Just what I really am
And just what this could be
But are you still just being brave
Or do you really have all you need
Now I'm gone?
It's not good at all, it's not even a poem or a song really. It just wanted to be said.
current mood: sad
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
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6:46 pm - Together Alone
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This is a song I wrote ages ago. It's not very good because I'm rubbish at writing actual song but I felt the urge to post it.
& so we find ourselves together alone
Walking down this unknown path
The moonlight staining our faces
I don't know where to go or even turn
Because without you I am afraid of the dark
And I don't know how to play this
I just want it not to end
As we talk of existence, of dreams, of essence
Your hand quietly but solidly in mine
I just need to believe nothing is pretend
Everything is so old and ugly
I just wish it beautiful for you
For you I wish there was no death
I want to kill all fear and embrace the world
Paint it all blue and white for you
If I could just see where we were headed
I could bathe myself in calm
How are you so sure it is worth it
To live for a world that doesn't care
& give so much to those who only bring us harm?
If we cannot change the world should we still die trying?
Could we let ourselves truly be free
Or are we doomed to martyrdom
Burning alive for those who cannot even smell the frying?
Together alone is where I want to be
The only place I feel safe
But I fear I will always be waiting
As you give yourself away every day
Drowning in my pathetic love and hate.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
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1:41 am - Decay
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To feel blood echoes of an equal crimson
Every burn horrendously matched scar for scar
Wounds as deep and fierce as those I carry
I crucify myself gladly for the fire
No fear of pain, just solitude sickness
The empty cross stark beside me
Perhaps I shall wrench myself down
And hide in the shadow and shade
Of the wilting passionflowers
The rain hissing off my skin
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, September 7th, 2003
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11:19 pm - This should be in here. I think it is my favourite despite the complete lack of structure.
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You lie fallow beneath me
And I
Wish to plant ideas in your beautiful mind
Of the revolution we will begin
Together alone
But you have kept all the words.
Flames in our bellies
We spit burning branches at each other
Then douse each other with love
Was I ever more to you than the sum of my parts?
Is there anything more than this maddening itch? Love is a bruise to show to mother, kiss it better, plaster over, no one can see the scars. But I can see them. They are there burning for everytime you held my hand, a wound for every kiss.
And now you're back
looking at me with your moonlight heat
Did you really believe that running
would cause change
to your fire scented voice?
This dusty cobweb heat
bristles me and leaves me dry
a hollowed out husk of insect wing
And I will not listen
to all these ugly fleshy tones
telling me it is not enough.
Because it is enough
it is everything
when you are not fallen like so many baby teeth.
current mood: lonely
current music: think of me when everything you wanted starts to end
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(comment on this)
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Monday, August 11th, 2003
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3:49 pm - I don't like this very much.
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Nightlight revelations
Contact lies so thick and ugly next to solitude
Your indifference barbs my stickelback skin
Can I trust you inside of me?
Because everything falls away
at the pointwhere you end and I begin
The moonlight falls in showers now
Your face glows pale with angel dust
While you lie so solid hot beside me
I want so much to show I trust you
To show my stickypetalled starlust
Inside of me it is coiled
sickly tight and fine
clinging heavily and waiting
And through this haze of spite
It's everything here and it's mine
Your pale cheeks don't fill me
With the lightning fear they used to
I have bigger ambitions these days
New ways to spend my days because
now you never let me see inside you
current mood: discontent
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
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12:33 pm - Sky fever
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It's all here, in this place of decay
It's where we rape our souls just to possess
It's where there is no such thing as proximity
It's where everything seems to become part of my fingernails
It's where the curve of my spine coils into a tight ball
And everything is falling away from me now
Your eyes scream at me from the sky
And I wonder why you weren't there on the 7th day
Cursing at me and despising
But waiting.
And I can't touch you anymore
You are not what I understood
I see the sky howl at me from your eyes
And wonder how this came to be
How we came to be
Walking away from you
The moonlight staining my face
Walking away
Walking
Walking and falling.
current mood: boredboredbored
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, July 20th, 2003
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3:36 pm - Song for her
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I would burn everything down
If it would make you see your power of creation
I would slice off my own face
If it would make you feel as beautiful as you are
I would drown myself
If it would make you see how brightly you blaze
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(comment on this)
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Monday, July 14th, 2003
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1:55 pm - Reflections
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You are so beautiful today
& I have been pondering
about how it would be
To view you through the hole of a doughnut
a homemade pinhole camera
a blackened window at night
Through these gashes I have torn in myself
And the world feels old today
& I have been wondering
How did I come to be so solid and big
When I feel ethereal and minuscule?
When did I cease to be a child
& become this ugly thing called "woman"?
When did I stop being just me
& become so much more and so much less?
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Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
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11:12 pm - daisy holes
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I'm tripping over these crucifixes you lay in my wake
As I walk backwards
drawing myself as circles in shifting sand
I am static in the shape of a girl
twigs stuck in blubber around a central hole
and all of it nothing
falling down stairs so I can crawl at your feet
you bellow your ugly incantations my ears will not decipher
and my brain translates it all into beauty
pushing myself into a broken mould
stepping between the cracks in your heart
(I will not break my mothers back)
I scrutinise my hand, searching
Where has your hand gone?
***
i
You are not yet God
Silently watching all below
So why must I crawl to be seen
By your ever downcast eyes?
And you cannot see my coccoon throes
From so high up there
the air gasping around you
Rubbing and licking your frame
ii
These structures you order built
Would only sink in the mire in which I lie
So I spend my life clearing away the shit
& it seems I must do it alone
So now I'll burn away my past
And play my phoenix games
Build on the solid ashes the old left behind
And learn to love my self in flames
***
Does every road lead back
to the smell of your hair
and the itch between my thighs?
.
hatehatehate
current mood: discontent
current music: I can't please myself and I can't please nobody else
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doubledip's journal